Dante Shepherd's Monday Night Campfire

Summer Reading 2013

Sun, 19 May 2013 18:59:56 -0400

(A brief ongoing series of ten-word reviews.)

Broken Harbor - by Tana French

Great, like usual. But could she (please!) write uplifting mysteries?

Summer Reading 2013

Fri, 17 May 2013 13:29:42 -0400

(A brief ongoing series of ten-word reviews.)

The Panther - by Nelson DeMille

John Corey: best fictional asshole.

(That could have sounded better.)

Summer Reading 2013

Sun, 12 May 2013 13:18:41 -0400

(A brief ongoing series of ten-word reviews.)

The Great Gatsby - by F. Scott Fitzgerald

What a bunch of generally unlikeable individuals. Alas, old sport.

Summer Reading 2013

Fri, 10 May 2013 17:20:58 -0400

(Ten-word reviews in a brief ongoing series while I’m not teaching and can finally read books again.)

The Hunger Games - by Suzanne Collins

Too much food.

The book was better than the movie.

Actual Student Evaluations

Mon, 06 May 2013 20:12:06 -0400

About a week ago, one of my students contacted me, roughly saying:

“I just wanted to apologize to you - I think I may have been a little inebriated when filling out your class evaluation, and I think I may have commented on the way you eat grapefruit.”

Well, the evaluations were made available to me today, and lo and behold, when the evaluation asks the students to answer,

“Describe instructor’s strengths, room for improvement, and any additional comments”,

the form immediately follows with one student’s anonymous response:

“In at least an infinite number of other universes, a grapefruit is worshiped as a god. And it is certainly possible that in an infinite number of these infinite worlds that grapefruit has God-like powers. Perhaps this world is one of those, and that fruit is on your table in disguise. So all hail lord Citrus! And may its juice in our eyes be a blessing on us all! Amen (Dante 1722:1)”

So. Um, thanks for that, kid.

Here's to the ECAC

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 21:41:32 -0400

“It’s been a long time… and we’re sorry.

ECAC Hockey fans are sorry that the league hasn’t put a team in the title game in 23 years. We’re sorry it’s been two dozen seasons since a conference member finished on top. We apologize for being dismissed, marginalized, underrated, ignored, and downright insulted for our opinion, pride, and belief that ECAC Hockey is as competitive a league as any other in Division 1 (and twice as smart). We’re sorry that half of the league’s teams are Ivy League institutions, and that the other half are small private schools that prioritize the “student” part over the “athlete” part. We’re sorry that ECAC teams have to travel so often to play top programs, because top programs are loathe to play dangerous teams in small markets.

And we’re sorry to be so damned thrilled by this year’s national title tilt. Yale, we’re proud of you; Quinnipiac, we’re proud of you, too… and to the rest of the nation, we are sorry about one thing most of all: We’re really not sorry at all.”

- Brian Sullivan of USCHO.com

(A quick follow-up note from Dante: I hate Quinnipiac’s hockey team about as much as I hate Duke’s basketball team, so I’m not exactly proud of them. Not really all that much of a fan of Yale, either. But the rest of the sentiment I’ll agree with. Go wallow in your snide, Hockey East and WCHA and CCHA.)

MLB

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 09:42:59 -0400

Going on record because I’ll be entirely wrong.

AL East:

Rays > Blue Jays > Red Sox > Yankees > Orioles

AL Central:

Tigers > Indians > Royals > White Sox > Twins

AL West:

Angels > Athletics > Rangers > Mariners > Astros

NL East:

Nationals > Braves > Phillies > Mets > Marlins

NL Central:

Reds > Cardinals > Brewers > Pirates > Cubs

NL West:

Giants > Dodgers > Diamondbacks > Padres > Rockies

Playoffs:

Athletics over Rangers; Rays over A’s, Tigers over Angels; Rays over Tigers

Braves over Dodgers; Reds over Braves, Nationals over Giants; Reds over Nationals

World Series: Rays over Reds

Awards:

MVP: Mike Trout, Joey Votto

Cy Young: Justin Verlander, Stephen Strasburg

A follow-up to AggieCon

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 12:56:39 -0400

AggieCon is student run. I mention this first and foremost because I’ve seen the product of some student run organizations before, from poor-and-incomplete fundraising right down to the final execution of their poorly-and-incompletely-laid plans.

That being said, these kids know what the hell they’re doing. They were prepared and organized, brought in several impressive guests, set up a number of truly interesting panels, and repeatedly made sure the attendees and vendors had the best experience they could. It was truly enjoyable from start to finish, and I applaud the students copiously.

Hard to believe it was only a week ago I was there.

- - -

I was on three panels, the first of which was basically an hour of stand-up and storytelling. I’d never stretched my ‘act’ into an hour before, but holy crap it went over well. So that was nice. In case you haven’t seen the link I shared, part of the act was doing a velociraptor impression based on a suggestion from the audience. To which someone immediately jumped in with ‘a raptor being coronated as pope’. To which I obliged.

- - -

The table right across from me was selling Harry Potter wands, Link shields, and SAMURAI SWORDS. AND THEY WERE DOING GREAT BUSINESS. WHO THE HECK BUYS SO MANY SAMURAI SWORDS? IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DESCRIBE HOW UNNERVED I WAS ABOUT HOW MANY PEOPLE IN TEXAS WERE NOW ABLE TO RUN AROUND WITH FRIGGIN’ SWORDS AFTER THE CON.

- - -

One of my students was ridiculous excited that I was going to be able to meet George RR Martin - he never shuts up about GoT in lab or any other chance he gets - heck, he even drew a shield for me with my house sigil on his first thermo exam. (I gave him no extra credit because it did not have either a raptor or a mallet on it.) So when I got back, he immediately asked if I met his favorite writer. I responded, “He told me that Jon Snow is now an Other, and his middle name is RailRoad.” My student looked at me skeptically. “How could his middle name be Railroad? There are no railroads on Westeros, that’s not a family name.” ”Jon Snow’s middle name isn’t railroad, you idiot …”

- - -

I was on two panels with Keri Bean. She works with the Mars Rover Curiosity robot and has seven more published papers than I do. She outclassed me in every sense of the word as a scientist. I am now going to badger her nonstop about the existence of Mars snakes as retaliation. It’s not great retaliation, but it’s all I’ve got.

On another panel I was on about the internet, a member of the band Area of Defect shared that one Youtube commenter said that the ‘woman in the video’s knees made (him) gay’. To which I immediately pulled back the table cloth and peaked underneath, and now I’m not sure what to think about anything anymore. Also, Youtube commenters are idiots.

- - -

Wonder Woman, a symbol of truth and justice. And also terrified of velociraptors, apparently.

I think I finally understand cosplay. It’s just Halloween during the rest of the year. Why was I not on board with this beforehand? Maybe because all I could do was cosplay as myself while I was there?

- - -

Also made someone laugh so hard she had an asthma attack. Less than a half hour later, I bought her a drink as thanks for her help, and it had some chocolate in it, and she was allergic, and started to go into anaphylactic shock.

So within 30 minutes, I almost murdered someone twice, using those weapons of utmost horror, humor and kindness. Let this be some kind of lesson to you.

- - -

There are many more details and pictures I probably shouldn’t share. But I deeply thank AggieCon for inviting me down, for all the members of Cepheid Variable who organized it and treated me so well, and to everyone I met there. Great experience.

Inventions

Sun, 17 Feb 2013 19:04:16 -0500

At the wedding last night, some poor unfortunate man was dragged over to talk to me - honestly, harangued and dragged is probably a better term, knowing the person who was doing the dragging - just because I’m a professor now and this man was a former professor of some field or another.

After the various niceties that emerge in forced small talk, I asked him how he was enjoying retirement.

“Retirement is the second greatest thing that mankind ever invented,” he remarked.

I let the pause sit there in the air for a few seconds. Then, finally: “OK, I have to bite. What’s the first?”

He looked at me like I was an idiot, never having expected me to ask. ”Why, the wheel, of course.”

Oh, right. Of course.

Shortly after that I was informed that electricity was number three.

Nice guy.

E-mail Exchange With A Random Reader

Sat, 02 Feb 2013 15:13:00 -0500

The following is a series of e-mails exchanged with a STW reader mostly over the past day. Nothing has been changed from the original e-mails.

——

Hello Dante,

I woke up from a nightmare last night and immediately knew I needed to tell you about it. I’m sure it won’t be as interesting to you as it was to me but I felt it relevant.
I had a nightmare where no matter how much I sprayed-and-wiped the whiteboard in my classroom, it REFUSED to clean. Things written on it in days and months past wound seep up to the surface just as soon as I could get the last bit removed. I tried for probably an hour to erase it cleanly before giving up and crying.
I blame the horribly-impossible-to-erase whiteboard in my quantum classroom for this. Every day I pine for blackboards.

Have yourself a nice day,
Hollee

——

Hollee-

Are we sure the whiteboard did not represent the devil? Wait a minute, let’s refocus in on the term “quantum classroom”. Are you reporting in from some miniscule classroom after you and several students were victims of a rogue shrinking ray? Are you now able to be sated as a class by a single crumb from a loaf of bread? Is even my typing this like shouting at you? HELLO DOWN THERE

-Dante Shepherd

——

WE HEAR YOU

PLEASE SEND HELP IT’S BEEN DAYS AND THIS OREO WON’T LAST MUCH LONGER

——

DON”T MOVE, WE’RE SENDING IN AN ENGLISH MUFFIN

NO, REALLY, DON’T MOVE, WE DON’T WANT TO ACCIDENTALLY CRUSH YOU

——

WE’RE REALLY THIRSTY TOO, WE COULDN’T FIND A DROP OF WATER SMALL ENOUGH TO DRINK

WE’RE TRYING TO WAVE BUT EVERY TIME SOMEONE SEES US WE JUST TURN INTO PARTICLES

THINGS ARE LOOKING GRIM

——

I’M SORRY, BUT BECAUSE OF THAT WAVE/PARTICLE JOKE, OUR COMMUNITY OF SCIENTISTS HAS VOTED AND WE HAVE DECIDED TO LET YOU PERISH, PLEASE GO AND DO SO QUIETLY

——

LET MY HEADSTONE SAY “IT WAS WORTH IT”

Hourly Comics Day 2013 - Batch #2

Sat, 02 Feb 2013 10:09:31 -0500

4PM

5PM

6PM

7PM

8PM

9PM

10PM

11PM

Hourly Comics Day 2013 - Batch #1

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 15:56:39 -0500

Doing Hourly Comics like I have in the past, with quicker, simpler lessons, one every hour. For the record, here are the STW Hourly Comics from 2009, 2010, 2011, and 2012 (pt 1, pt 2, and pt 3).

6 AM

7AM

8AM

9AM

10AM

11AM

12PM

1PM

2PM

3PM

A Baby's Days of the Week

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 21:39:10 -0500

A Baby’s Days of the Week

(to the tune of The Seven Days of the Week by They Might Be Giants)

Oh, no, no, I never go to sleep

On Mondays, I never go to sleep

On Tuesdays, I stay awake

On Wednesdays, I never feel inclined

Sleep is the last thing on my mind

On Thursdays, it’s a holiday!

And Fridays are the best

And I never am tired on a Saturday

And Sundays I don’t rest

Grad Student, It's Cold Outside

Wed, 12 Dec 2012 13:09:08 -0500

Tom Mansell and I wrote this a few years ago to be sung as a two person skit at a department Christmas banquet, depicting the indentured servant / master relationship between grad student and professor by comparing it to the goddamn creepiest Christmas song of all time. Enjoy. And feel free to present it to your advisor, if you feel you need to get the point across.

- - -

The holidays are a time of togetherness, and nothing embodies that holiday spirit like the relationship between advisor and grad student. Let’s look in on just such a pair, working late in the lab.

(Tune: Baby, It’s Cold Outside)

I really can’t stay - Buddy it’s cold outside

I’ve got to go away - Buddy it’s cold outside

The data so far - Hey, hand me that jar

Should be enough – Put on some gloves, that’s toxic stuff

My girlfriend will start to worry – C’mon, kid, what’s your hurry

My dog will be pacing the floor - Listen to the autoclave roar

So really I’d better scurry – Beautiful looking slurry

Well maybe just a measurement more – Turn the hot plate on while I pour

The parents might ask - Buddy, it’s bad out there

Say, what’s in this flask - No labs to be done out there

I wish I knew how – Should this be so green?

But don’t you see – When can you get this data to me?

Oh think of my life long sorrow – Can you have this by tomorrow

At least I’m gonna say that I tried – don’t breathe in the fumes or you’ll die

I really can’t stay – Great, so you’ll have that on my desk tomorrow, super.

‘Cause I/you want to graduate

STW SHIRT SALE

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 17:34:02 -0400

Happy Holidays, everyone!
That time of year is soon approaching when we all gather together to celebrate the giant lobster at the North Pole that morphs into human form and flies a sleigh around the world. Or maybe we had very different childhoods.

At the very least, I bet you wish your version of Santa was more like mine, don’t you?

Anyhow, in case you feel so inclined to share some amazing shirts with those you love or those you like or those you don’t really care for but need to get something for because otherwise they’ll be angry with you and who really wants that hanging over their heads, we are offering FREE SHIPPING from October 29th through November 5th on designs I’ve whipped up just for you. Yes, you. Personally.

To take advantage of this great offer, just enter SURVIVETHEHOLIDAYS at checkout!

May you and your loved ones have a very happy holiday season, however you may gather and celebrate. And may you not be eaten by any rogue raptors in the New Year, either.

——

(I know it’s early for holiday sales, but Spreadshirt asked me if I wanted to extend this deal to my readers, and I figured, how could I pass up a chance to offer a 20-25% discount?)

(This message was already sent out through Spreadshirt’s network - but I had so much fun writing it, I wanted to make sure everyone got to read it, whether or not they intended on taking part in the sale.)

Nicknames

Sun, 03 Jun 2012 16:34:20 -0400

Occasionally I give out nicknames to Twitter followers. It’s something that only happens once in a while that people have to just happen to be around for. I offer, they speak, I dub.

There’s not a lot of thought put into them, and because I”m only willing to give a person one (no do-overs), the quality is wide-ranging. Might be you want to embrace it, might actually be appropriate, might be you never want to remember it happened. Makes no difference to me.

For the sake of keeping a record, here’s the entire list of dubbings so far:

“SLURVEBALL”.

“KILO ROMEO”.

“STEELA MONSTER”.

“RIBEYE”.

“YURT”.

“IGGY”.

“BERLIN”.

“SNIDEARM”.

“FIBULA”.

“MITRE SAW”.

“FORCESHOE”.

“INK SLINGER”.

“GUMSHOE”.

“CLEMONADE”.

“STACCATO”.

“STILETTO”.

“YOCTOMETER”.

“DUKE CUTLASS”.

“ROHAMTIC”.

“SECRET WEAPON”.

“O’SMITH”.

“ASKANCE”.

“RYE TIDE”.

“HRBEKINATOR”.

“SPRINKLES”.

“GOVERNESS”.

“SPAMBURGER”.

“HAZMAT”.

“MOTHORITY”.

“HOMUNCULUS”.

“AUTOMATIC KNIFLE”.

“CODA”.

“CHURNIA”.

“PANICAKES”.

“EEPHUS”.

“THE ROOK”.

“INK SAC”.

“GRRRRRRRRRRR”.

“JEST STROKE”.

“PHENOMENA”.

“MS. THORACIC”.

“HERMETIC”.

“CRIMAX”.

“LIME TIME”.

“WHOA”.

“FISTULA”.

“SUBMIME”.

“DARK LAGER”.

“QUIZZARD”.

“GRETCHEN”.

“HAMATE”.

“SKINTERN”.

“TRIUMPH, M.D.”.

“ELATION”.

“QUESTION”.

“ROTGUN”.

“DISASTRIX”.

“REPTRON”.

“KING MANATEE”.

“PHYLUM”.

“FORTISSIMO”.

“CRESCENDO.”

“GINERTIA”.

“HIVEWIRE”.

“GIRAFFENATED”.

“THUMBS”.

“SCAREBALL”.

“THE PAINSMITH”.

“PHIL”.

“PLANTASM”.

“TRACHEA”.

“DESTRUCTO!”. (The exclamation point is part of it.)

“DOC PATELLA”.

“THE SLIP”.

“PLATELET”.

“HUGH NAMI”.

“DOCTOR ARISTOTLE”.

“THE BISHOP”.

“EXOSKELETON”.

“HORATIO”.

“SPARKY”.

“SCRAPUCCINO”.

“CANNONDIRE”.

“GHOST SCORPION”.

“THE SCARBINGER”.

“SCORCHLIGHT”.

“SPIDERCRAB”.

“CRUMB”.

“THE SPLICEBERG”.

“LIGHTNINGHAWK”.

“DOOM MOOSE”.

“SHOCK LOBSTER”.

“OCTOSPLODE”.

“IGNATIUS”.

“BLOOD SHEEP”.

“NETTLE”.

“JUAN FLAMBE”.

“CLAVICLE”.

“THE MAUVE KNIGHT”.

“RATTLEQUAKE”.

“DANGER MANGO”.

“FIRE EMU”.

“THE CHALKDUST MENACE”.

“YAKNESS MONSTER”.

“ARPEGGIO”.

“BLOOP”.

“LASERGOAT”.

“KNUCKLECRUNCH”.

“BOOM SHAKALAKA”.

“JUSTICE AXE”.

“CRAWDAD SUNSET”.

“DUSK”.

“CORPORAL SPONGE”.

“ACIDBERRY”.

“POISON GOPHER”.

“SHADOWGATOR”.

“METEORIGHT”.

“ADMIRAL BARCELONA”.

“CRUSHER MERINGUE”.

“DOWNTOWN”.

“CURVEBALL”.

“VOLTAGE”.

“CRIMSON SUNRISE”.

“AJAX”.

“MACAROON”.

“SPINEBLADE”.

“MEDICINE HAMMER”.

“RODEO”.

“FLASH BRONSON”.

“PATIENCE MCGEE”.

“FIREFALL”.

“HEMOGLOBIN”.

“EXPLOSION JACKSON”.

“STURGEON”.

“MUD TERROR”.

“DOCTOR CRUNCH”.

“RABID PLATYPUS”.

“TUXEDO PUNCH”.

“COLONEL GLORY”.

“ZIGZAG”.

“XYPHOID FIST”.

“INDIGO COCONUT”.

“CHAIRMASTER”.

“THUNDERBIRD”.

“SHANGRI-LAW”.

“MIDNIGHT QUIXOTE”.

“KILLER PROTON”.

“APOCALYPSE CHOCOLATE”.

“MONKEY SKULL”.

“LITTLE JUPITER”.

“DISCO CZAR”.

“DENVER FIRE”.

“RIBCAGE”.

“ELECTROBUGLE”.

“BULLFROG AUTHORITY”.

“BLUE RAISIN”.

“HERO INCOGNITO”.

“LIEUTENANT FERNANDO”.

“MONSTER FISH”.

“PARASNAKE”.

“WRECKING BELLE”.

“BLOODSLIDE”.

“STARFISH AVALANCHE”.

“STARDUST CASCADE”.

“HENDERSON”.

“APOTHECARY”.

“KING HORATIO”.

“HARVEST”.

“WARSAW”.

“GHOST POULTRY”.

“NEURO”.

“TORERO”.

“POLTERGEIST”.

“BIG COUNTRY”.

“BIRCH”.

“OVERTURE”.

“CHICAGO VODKA”.

“SURPRISE”.

“OCTOSPY”.

“THE UNDERDOG”.

“STELLA WANDERLUST”.

“SUGAR CHAMPAGNE”.

“ANGRY WHISKEY”.

“PHOTON”.

“ADMIRAL TANGERINE”.

“EL MATADOR”.

An Open Letter to the MLB and FOX

Sat, 26 May 2012 19:43:55 -0400

To whom it may concern:

After the Red Sox and Rays last night had the benches clear, I was really ready to watch tonight’s game. It wasn’t just because tensions would be heightened, but also because there’s a number of other great storylines going on, and I really enjoy watching the Red Sox.

But you’re blacking out the game. Sure, FOX has the game. But they’re showing us the Phillies-Cardinals down here in the DC area. So even though you do not have the game on TV, you’ve made it impossible for me to watch the game at all. There’s no second broadcast of the game on a different channel. There’s no MLB.TV broadcast. There is literally no way for me to watch this game unless I hop in my car, drive to an area where it is not being blacked out, and turn on a TV there.

There are many angry fans who deal with this every week. Sure, you think you’re getting fans to watch other games, so maybe you’ll increase interest in more teams. Which is commendable. I’m not sure many general fans across the country had ever seen a game hosted in Tampa on broadcast TV before the Rays were in the World Series. But you’re also angering fans with this tactic. If the main FOX broadcasting team is so great - a tangent I’m not even going to start in on - then plenty of fans would be happy to flip back and forth between both FOX games to watch. Instead, out of spite, I’m just going to turn on the radio to be able to follow the game the only way you’re allowing me. And I bet a number of other people are just going to find other ways to spend their Saturday and hope the highlights are sufficient.

I know baseball isn’t dying - attendance is up, ratings are up, more small-market teams are getting good local TV deals - so contrary to all the usual articles that get written about it, the sport is in a really good position. But man, you do try to find ways to go out of your way to anger and alienate the hardcore fans you do have.

Give us a way to watch all the games. If you can’t do that, you really don’t care about your fans.

We knew we weren’t a priority. But stop reminding us.

Sincerely,

Dante Shepherd

The New Holidays For 2012: Stupid Decisions Commemoration

Mon, 14 May 2012 18:58:58 -0400

The New Holidays For 2012: Stupid Decisions Commemoration:

the-new-holidays:

May 15th – Stupid Decisions Commemoration is tomorrow!
Time to party in recognition of the fact you’ve been an idiot many times over. And so has everyone else.

Why you should celebrate:We’ve all made a number of dumb choices in our lives – so celebrate this one day with friends to share…

Dante Shepherd's Monday Night Campfire

Summer Reading 2013

Summer Reading 2013

Summer Reading 2013

Summer Reading 2013

Actual Student Evaluations

Here's to the ECAC

MLB

A follow-up to AggieCon

Inventions

E-mail Exchange With A Random Reader

Hourly Comics Day 2013 - Batch #2

Hourly Comics Day 2013 - Batch #1

A Baby's Days of the Week

Grad Student, It's Cold Outside

STW SHIRT SALE

Nicknames

An Open Letter to the MLB and FOX

The New Holidays For 2012: Stupid Decisions Commemoration

More Student Presentations

More Student Presentations