Dante Shepherd's Monday Night Campfire

Horoscopes

Here are your personal horoscopes for the upcoming two weeks.

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Scorpio (October 24 - November 21)

Yes, your life may feel like you’re living in a fishbowl, being stared in at by everyone you know.  That does not mean the plastic surgery giving you gills was a good idea.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Relax.  You’re not getting progressively worse.  You’re getting regressively better.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

MOST LIKELY.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

If you were smart, you’d save up for a piece of string and a rock to wind the piece of string around, because everybody wants a rock to wind a string around.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You are slowly becoming a more boring person.  Try spicing up your life with a little car tag on the highway.  Hanging out the window at 60 MPH always gets the heart rate going, especially when the other car doesn’t know it’s playing.

(Note: please do not actually do this.  The moons and houses do not always arrange for the best suggestions.)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

If you’re feeling stressed, go and buy a stuffed sea creature, light it on fire, and do pyromaniac dances around it.  It may not help you feel better, but maybe some heavenly being will look down on your sacrifice in favor.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Do you think getting sucked up in a leaf-gathering machine would be a good time?  Oh, no reason, just asking.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Oh, woe is you, Gemini!  You are truly cursed.  You have only two options for the rest of your existence, either become the human cannonball at the local circus ring or the guy who always volunteers for chemistry demonstrations.  Either way, you are doomed to a life of endlessly going up in smoke.  So give up now while you’re ahead.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

The reason your nickname is “Stinky Pete”? Yeah, that’s not because they’re encouraging you to become a pirate.  Although, to be honest, you’d probably be good at it.  Oh, what the hell, embrace your destiny.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Try to be more helpful and giving to local charities.  Setting up a roadside stand to sell fishing bait probably isn’t the best way to accomplish that, however.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Whatever you do, don’t - DON’T - order that lobster from tank #4.

Libra (September 23 - October 23)

You’ve done an excellent job proving that you can easily wait five weeks to do your laundry.  But now that that sweatshirt you’ve worn fourteen times has gained a life of its own and can hold scintillating conversations in regards to the Wall Street Journal, do your wash.

(Source: survivingtheworld.net)

Horoscopes

I used to write horoscopes as part of the monthly engineering newsletter we put out in college. Reprinted from years ago, here are my horoscopes for you for the month ahead.

- - - -

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21)

In order to take care of your raging paranoia, dig a protective moat around your dorm and fill it with the world’s only venomous mammal, the duck-billed platypus.  You should feel more secure then.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

If you’re ever stationed in Antarctica, don’t persuade the others into a New Year’s Day Splash.  If the water doesn’t instantly freeze your arteries when you jump in, essentially killing you, the Orca swimming underneath the ice certainly will.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

ALL SIGNS POINT TO YES.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You and Ana are getting old, but you still haven’t walked in the glow of each other’s presence.  Have Ana listen to your words, they’re the words she would think you would say if there was a you for her.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Wear an eye patch to class just for fun someday, and tell people you have sunburn on your retina.  Switch it between classes and see if anyone notices, and just start screaming, “Gah!  My optic nerve!”

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

If you are what you eat, then what the hell did cottage cheese have to eat for breakfast?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

The next time someone around you spills salt, just sprinkle a little onto your hand and throw the container over your shoulder.  As long as you don’t bean someone in the head with the container, you’re almost guaranteed to override the bad luck.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Oh, woe is you, Gemini!  You are truly cursed.  Your future will be one of two options, either working on the assembly line in a cigar factory or working in the burrito section of Taco Bell.  Either way, you are doomed to having things always ready to be just about wrapped up.  So give up now while you’re ahead.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

If you’re ever sitting at the dinner table and a third arm bursts out of your chest, you’re still not allowed to use your hands to eat.  That’s just downright impolite.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

The stains of past wrongdoings feel etched upon your soul.  So try chugging a gallon of milk to solve the problem.  Your guilt may not be washed away, but all the rest of your insides will surely feel cleansed by the time you finish leaning over the trash can.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

It’s probably a bad sign that your boyfriend has voiced over your favorite song “You Say It Best When You Say Nothing At All” and changed the name to “It’s Best When You Just Shut Up”.

Libra (September 23 - October 23)

If your driver starts talking on their cell phone loudly and obnoxiously, take the phone and chuck it out the window.  If they get angry, just claim it’s biodegradable.  Surely their concern for the environment will come first and satisfy them.

(Source: survivingtheworld.net)