Here are your personal horoscopes for the upcoming two weeks.
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Scorpio (October 24 - November 21)
Yes, your life may feel like you’re living in a fishbowl, being stared in at by everyone you know. That does not mean the plastic surgery giving you gills was a good idea.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Relax. You’re not getting progressively worse. You’re getting regressively better.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
If you were smart, you’d save up for a piece of string and a rock to wind the piece of string around, because everybody wants a rock to wind a string around.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You are slowly becoming a more boring person. Try spicing up your life with a little car tag on the highway. Hanging out the window at 60 MPH always gets the heart rate going, especially when the other car doesn’t know it’s playing.
(Note: please do not actually do this. The moons and houses do not always arrange for the best suggestions.)
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
If you’re feeling stressed, go and buy a stuffed sea creature, light it on fire, and do pyromaniac dances around it. It may not help you feel better, but maybe some heavenly being will look down on your sacrifice in favor.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Do you think getting sucked up in a leaf-gathering machine would be a good time? Oh, no reason, just asking.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Oh, woe is you, Gemini! You are truly cursed. You have only two options for the rest of your existence, either become the human cannonball at the local circus ring or the guy who always volunteers for chemistry demonstrations. Either way, you are doomed to a life of endlessly going up in smoke. So give up now while you’re ahead.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
The reason your nickname is “Stinky Pete”? Yeah, that’s not because they’re encouraging you to become a pirate. Although, to be honest, you’d probably be good at it. Oh, what the hell, embrace your destiny.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Try to be more helpful and giving to local charities. Setting up a roadside stand to sell fishing bait probably isn’t the best way to accomplish that, however.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Whatever you do, don’t - DON’T - order that lobster from tank #4.
Libra (September 23 - October 23)
You’ve done an excellent job proving that you can easily wait five weeks to do your laundry. But now that that sweatshirt you’ve worn fourteen times has gained a life of its own and can hold scintillating conversations in regards to the Wall Street Journal, do your wash.